About taking away my own life. . .

With nothing so much to write about, I made an indefinite leave from my page. It just that I have to reorganize my thoughts and do soul searching for the past one a half month that I didn’t recorded what has happened. I just felt that I need to go back to this habit again.

 I was thinking that I will make this lengthy and write about anything I want to write about but I know that it could not be possible since I need to catch sleep for I have a work later. Maybe I’ll just do an outline of what had happened and came back to write more details about it.

For the past few weeks, my ‘idol’ got married secretly, I celebrated my 27th birthday and one night, when I was so depressed, I thought that I should end my life by jumping out of the window of my room. Maybe I’ll just elaborate the latter to make this entry lengthy to read.

I just got home from work, it was almost 2:00 in the morning. I cannot remember if I was feeling unhappy with what happened on that day or yesterday. I am sure, this was not the first time I felt it. It is most stressing compared to what I felt before my birthday when I was worrying to much of the bills and expenses I have to shoulder at home.

I can’t sleep. I was justm staring at the ceiling. The lights are off. Then I stand up from lying on my bed and look outside my window. I was thinking a lot. About what future has for me. If I could still get married and have offsprings. If I could still go outside of the country. If I could grow old or die young. Then I cried hard, supressing any sound that would like to come out from my mout, afraid that someone might hear me.

Then it suddenly flash in my mind about all the people I’ve read that commited suicide from Korea. Most of them are in the industry of showbusiness. I am still in wonder how they could take away their precious life on their own hands and didn’t let life take it’s course. I admired them though for the brave act, but it’s not noble to take away your life. It’s a great loss to your family. I was thinking that if I die, would my friends and family cry hard for me or they would just cry a little? Do they love me that much or a little? I was thinking of jumping out from the window would answer my question, but I was thinking that I don’t want to do it on a hard way by feeling any pain. I thought of drinking all the liquids I have on my shelves - acetone, alcohol, perfume, liniment oil, facial cleanser would definitely make it easier for me to detoriate. Maybe, if I just shut off my eyes and fall to sleep, I would not wake up again. That would be easy.

I was now crying a lot. I just cried and cried until I forgot everything I was thinking and doze off to sleep.

When I woke up and remember what happened last night, I thought I was crazy. I really hope that depression would not happen to me again because it just makes me sad.

When I wake up and remember what happened, I thought that iut